Some predictions for Directors for the year 2008
Pradeep Sarkar:
[Laaga Chunri Mein Daag]
[Rani Mukerji, Abhishek Bachchan]
‘There is an acute shortage of TV soaps in your life. Need to see more of them so that you don’t make a two and a half hour TV serial with six freeze points. Recommended ‘yagn’ to appease the story Gods- Sacrifice the writer who wrote Laagaa Chunri…
Ram Gopal Verma:
[Nishabd, Aag, James, Jamie, Jamaadar…]
[Amitabh Bachchan]
The planet of bad remakes is hovering in your chart of filmmaking. To get rid of that you have to perform a ‘penance’ where you have to watch all of your films like James, Go, Naach, James2, Darrna Manaa Hai, James3, Aag, James4 (How many are there anyway?)etc. continuously for a period of one month confined in a room. You can take food and drink but what’s the point, you would be puking it out anyway.
Farhan Akhtar:
[No Films]
[Starring: Himself]
Same problem as Ramu. Planet of remake has been hovering over many filmmakers nowadays. Solution: Exorcise all DVDs of all the Bachchan films ever made. Contact Shahrukh Khan for special discount for the same.
Anurag Kashyap:
[No Smoking]
[John Abraham, Ayesha Takia]
All the planets have got mixed up in your charts. None of them know where they are headed and which way to go. Anything can happen anytime in your life. There is no solution to your problem. The end will always be near but then no one will realize it is the end so you can continue forever. Your dream of making people crazy will not come true.
Vidhu Vinod Chopra
[Eklavya]
[Amitabh Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan]
Planet of Munnabhai hovering over your planets of filmmaking. Solution: Need to prove fast or else the planet of oblivion will conquer all your planets.
Ahmed Khan:
[Fool and Final]
[Shahid Kapoor, Bipasha Basu]
‘Your whole being is in danger. You must stick to dancing with your group. Do not, repeat, do not ever make a film and end up making a ‘fool’ of yourself. Fool and Final prediction- You will have to struggle to get work even as a choreographer in 2008…’
Willard Carroll:
[Marigold-An adventure in
[Salman Khan]
Straight advice: do your adventures only in your own country of birth.
[Saawariya][Ranbir Kapoor, Sonam Kapoor, Sanjay Leela Bhansali]
Some planet is hovering menacingly over your planet of filmmaking. But the planet is like a fairy land, some fantasy, totally unknown -not from this galaxy at least. Even the crystal ball is showing nothing but blue darkness everywhere in your future. Solution: There is only one solution- Make a 1 crore budget film with absolute new comers and prove to the world that it’s not the stars in your films who work but it is the film in your stars that work. (Now whatever that means but it sounded like some of your lines in your films. I’m sure you understood)
Farah Khan:
[
[Shahrukh Khan, Shahrukh Khan, Deepika Padukone]
You are suffering from an acute case of Lympho SRKoma of the brain. Future looks extremely bright and loud and gawdy. There is a chance of the planet ‘remake’ hitting your chart in the coming year as there is and always be a dearth of new ideas for
you.
Solution: One important step and exercise to be done before shooting all your films- Write a Script.
Aamir Khan:
[Taare Zameen Par]
[Starring: Darsheel Safary, Aamir Khan]
You will not be seen again on screen for almost a year. Crystal ball shows more and more people dying or killing themselves after waiting and waiting for the next Aamir Khan film. Solution: Do more films a year. Also appear in them much before interval.
PLUS the planet ‘Rubbing people the wrong way when your film is about to release’ has been hovering around your chart of planets whenever your film is on the verge of release.To exorcise this planet, practice looking in the mirror and say: ‘They are not at all worth speaking about so why bother?’
BULLSHIT… God knows how many times have I heard this thing this year. Something like this was said before Partner, Heyy Babyy, Om Shanti Om, and Welcome.
